Wings Over the Pyre - January 1st, 2002

02:55 am

And I bother ... why?

There are a few good ways to get my Angst and Hate batteries recharged faster than you can say Jimminy Crickets! Probably the fastest, if most painful way, is to expose myself to humans in large numbers and high density. So, its with wide eyes and heavy heart that I ask myself, "Why in the name of all that's unholy did I accept the invitation my sister offer edto spend New Year's with her and her boyfriend ... at a Country & Western bar? What insanity overcame me? What foolishness claimed my heart?

Well, I actually know why. Because I haven't quite been able to eradicate this secret, sneaking hope that I'll one day go into the public arena and not feel like a freak in the travelling carnival, the representative of Primal Entropy, and Camus' L'estrangier all in one. Because maybe there's the off chance that someone in that vast crowd will have the momentary flash of insight that says "I want to get to know that person," after looking at me, and act on it because its meaningful to them to do so. Purely, selfishly, ego gratification hopes.

You realize that I'm aware of how shallow and empty such a statement is, much less feeling that way is? Knowing it doesn't make it any better, or any easier to accept internally. So it goes.

Anyway, once you hit midnight and a three-level C&W bar converted from an old grocery store turns into the thousandth showing of "a thousand happy couples and you," its time to go home. So we did, for which I was profoundly thankful. If I'd stayed any longer, I'm 99% sure a vast nihil would have opened up in the Skinlands beneath me and sucked my broken and twisted soul down to reside at the busom of the Well of the Void, surrounded by my Malfean forebearers, where I belong, and where I could watch the rest of the screaming, tormented idiots I was surrounded with fall gently down into eternal entropos.

I think I have issues.

Its not even like I was looking for someone to take me home with them. I'm not even vaguely interested in that happening. What I want, I suppose, is for the potential for someone to want to to exist. To be a desirable entity, to be wanted, et al. I suppose that just marks out the parameters of how sad and pathetic I really am (much like the extended Wraith oblique reference above), but such is the way of things.

Needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods. Positively slopping over with angst. Yay.

On the upside ...

This text is possibly the funniest thing I've read in months. Its deeply and irrevocably disturbing. I like it.

Current Mood:

depressed

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06:27 pm

Incredibly bizarre dream. Just woke up, so this may be disjointed.

I dreamed the Earth had been infiltrated by aliens who looked just like us, but by some process, they were infecting or modifying people, certain people, random people, with the ability to regenerate and live forever. Nor politicians or businessmen, but random people. Normal people.

Something happened, I don't remember what, and the aliens were exposed. A bunch of people and I were trying to expose them, and in the course of getting us to bug off, they were doing things like using wire saws to cut off the top half of our skulls and make us lie still after having pulled our immortality. They didn't do anything to me, I just found people in various ways of tortured immobility because they didn't want the top two thirds of their heads to fall off and drain their brainpans.

So, fast forward a bit (because that's basically what happened in the dream), and I get captured by the aliens. They were going to inject me with an air-needle to numb me and my will, and I was being subtle and cagy and trying to keep them talking while I figured a way out, but I was terrified. Turns out the way they revoked the immortality was forced homosexual contact, where they'd suck up the nano back into their bodies and derive some kind of personal regenerational boost from it.

And then it turned out, somehow, that I was one of the aliens the whole time but was mindwiped or self-blocked not to know it. Then I woke up.

An analyst would have a field day with this, I know it.

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09:47 pm

You know, I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed playing Antaeus Rising until I reinstalled it and started playing it again with my new graphics card last night. Its just the sort of thing I like; I can do pretty much everything from the command overview interface and don't have to pilot any of the vehicles myself. This is a good thing, because I'm a lousy pilot ...

In any case, if anyone's looking for a single-player game only, its a great choice.

Current Mood:

indescribable

Current Music: Flogging Molly - Rebels Of The Sacred Heart

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Wings Over the Pyre - January 1st, 2002

Jan. 1st, 2002

02:55 am

06:27 pm

09:47 pm