Wings Over the Pyre - July 8th, 2001

08:34 am - Girlfriends

You know, I really haven't said much in a public forum about what I think a good Companion should be like. Go surfing through other LiveJournals, and you'll find the random scattered thoughts of thousands, but I can almost guarantee that 80% of the entries are about relationships of one kind or another, if not an actual committed relationship between two people in love, people looking for love and commitment.

Thereon hinges one of the issues I think is incredibly vital to the state of a relationship: commitment. Now, I realize that the audience is gasping in collective horror at the idea of a male of older than 15 and under 85 who can actually breathe that word without dying of a brain embolism, but bear with me a few moments. I like commitment. I enjoy commitment. I, in fact, need commitment from someone very close to me. Its safety, its security. I need these things. Most men really do, but they make the same mistake I did earlier in life, they underestimated exactly how much work it is to keep a committed relationship on track. Its hard, damned hard. It requires the best kind of honesty while still keeping the other person's feelings very much in mind.

Another point that a relationship simply cannot survive without is implied by the honesty in the above: trust. Without trust, you should give in to the darkness and find someone else because you are never going to be comfortable putting your beating heart into that person's hands. Never. Trust cannot simply be given, despite the beliefs of the hardcore romantics; trust can only be earned, and its a hard process. You can love someone at a glance, that I grant, but it takes time to build the trust it really takes to be in love with someone. Beyond that, different people develop trust at different rates. There are people, and times, with whom and when that bond forms within a week. There are people, and times, with whom and when that trust can take years to really gel. You have to understand where your partner is in that curve, especially if, like myself, your trust anneals blindingly quick, compared to most people.

Lastly, at least for the moment: compatibility. This most vehemently does not mean finding someone "just like you." If you do, I can almost guarantee you'll be trying to kill each other within the month. Nor does this mean that you should find someone who is the complete opposite of you in every way; there too there will be a felony of grande proportions within the month. Instead, you want someone who slides sideways into your life, filling the gaps where your wave troughs, and reinforcing your heights so you can reach ever higher. The truth is that the question is not one of having complementary strengths, but instead, constructive flaws. I have joked in the past about looking for someone to be with with the right kind of psychopathy to mesh with my sociopathy. Its not as funny when you understand just how true that is. (This is a truth it took me a decade and then some to figure out, and its a hard, cold lesson. Dear readers, read and take note.)

I believe I have finally found someone who fulfills all my niche needs, someone who understands commitment, someone whom I trust, and someone who, by and large is compatible with me, and I she (yes, a she; I'm not trendy enough to be bi or gay, and intend to be the last straight man of my generation in any case). Her name is Liisa, darn those Scandinavian names, and she is a frequent reader of my rants here.

There are times you really need to step back and examine the underlying principles of what is important to you. This moment, it is my relationship, for me. What is it, for you?

Current Mood: exhausted